i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
