I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
