just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize