quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
