Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
