She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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