You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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