So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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