3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
