Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
