I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
