i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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