I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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