I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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