I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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