I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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