home. puking in laundry basket.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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