Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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