I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
