Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
