I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You don't make any sense
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