I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
