just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
