I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize