I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
