Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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