One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
