my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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