I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
