Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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