dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
