guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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