Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
