my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
