My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize