There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
