4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
