well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
