"it" just moved
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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