If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you will always have a special place in my vag
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
