I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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