I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
