Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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