dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
