The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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