Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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