So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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