i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
