I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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