On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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