i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
