He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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