apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
