I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You left your underwear on the fireplace
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
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