if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
