we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
