I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
