Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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