remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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