I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
